Tom Cruise, Heaven, crutches, crab

Carl never had a chance.

It seemed the Gods (well, the Crab Gods - they call them "Crods") had it out for him from the day he was spawned. For starters, he was born with tiny freaking claws, making it damn near impossible to wave down a mate. Plus, he never learned how to walk sideways, but only rapidly forwards and back, which the other crabs thought was incredibly effeminate. In one of their meaner moments, they elected to call him "Tom Cruise." When he was just a wee crabette, his family was kidnapped by the Gorton's Fisherman. Once, while engaging in one of his effete little "cruises," he came upon a pile of Popsicle sticks. What he meant to do was chop up those damn sticks and release a little tension. What actually happened was that two of the sticks became lodged behind his mini-claws and wouldn't come out.

So they called him "Crutches."

The moment that the crabs had exhausted their "crutch" jokes, Carl's claws became infected and he died terribly.

To top it off, the Crods didn't let him go to Heaven (Crevean,) just for the Crell of it.

Moral o' Story: Crabs deserve to be boiled.